We have heard a lot about the “Shidduch Crisis” recently. This problem is exacerbated for shy women who want to get married but find dating uncomfortable. I will share some tips from working with my clients that can help shy women overcome their hesitancy and learn to enjoy dating.
As recent debates about introverts have shown, a person can be a shy introvert or a shy extrovert. Shyness means, in this context, that she feels very uncomfortable and awkward in social situations. She may either lack social skills or be too anxious to remember them. If she does meet someone, she might be so nervous that she won’t lift her eyes from her cellphone to speak to him, while desperately hoping he will just go away.
As a result, she is lonely and frustrated, spending entirely too many evenings talking to her girlfriends or playing Candy Crush as she hears her body clock begin to chime: hurry up and get married if you want to have children!
But first you have to date! So if you want to date to get married, what’s a shy girl to do?
The shy person has a tendency to over- think every social situation, especially when it concerns meeting someone new. First dates are awkward for everyone but particularly uncomfortable for the shy woman. So here are a few ideas to get the shy woman out of brain overdrive so she can relax a little and enjoy dating.
Be honest about your shyness:
It will put both of you at ease once you admit that you are a shy person and that you feel a little anxious. Once put on the table, he can realize that your quietness is just shyness and doesn’t mean you don’t like him.
Ask Open-ended Questions:
If you prepare a list of questions in advance, you can allow your date to do most of the talking. This will accomplish two things. First, everyone likes to talk about his interests and no one is more valued than a “Good Listener”. Open-ended means that he cannot answer your question with a simple yes or no, but has to explain in some detail. Second, this will give you insight into what makes him tick, what is important to him. How do you respond to what he says internally?
Speak about your interests:
Once you feel a level of comfort with your date, you can begin to speak about the things you are interested in –books, movies, vacation spots, etc. This will also help you to relax as you warm up to subjects you know well and care about, and you will feel less shy. It will also give your date a chance to get to know you.
As a Confidence Coach and a formerly shy woman myself, I have worked with shy women in a deeper way to discover the root cause of their anxiety and to gently work it through and release it. They are excited to find how free and light they feel as they sense the barrier between them and others falling away. They feel the freedom to express themselves authentically and to relate to others without anxiety.
In some cases, I teach my clients ways to calm down their anxiety through simple and highly effective tools. These techniques will be offered to individuals and families as a means to deal with the current “Matzav”. Those interested in my upcoming workshop, Emotional First Aid—How to Calm Yourself in Any Stressful Situation, or in my coaching, please contact me at ConnectedLifeJerusalem@gmail.com.